Randy's been undergoing proton radiation for about a week now and chemo since last Friday. He seems tired, looks pale and gets nauseated easily. He's still talking about going back to work ("next month"). I told him to wait until the doctor gives him the "all clear". He is only starting the chemo and it has not gotten really bad yet. That's coming soon. I just know it. I'm not being negative, I just know what I know. I knew there was something wrong with him months ago. Bonnie knew it. She feels the same thing I do, like the other shoe is waiting to drop. We'll see. I can't even express my fears, he sees it as being negative and unsupportive. I can't say anything to him like what would I do without him here ? I'm supposed to smile and pretend there's nothing wrong, yet he wants me to be glad when he remembers something (which he still forgets a lot), or is able to snap his fingers (wasn't able to before and frankly, still can't do), or sing better (still, no, not a singer, couldn't carry a tune if he put it in a bucket with a handle). So, I smile and hold his hand, get him what he needs and try to hold it all inside. Then I go out to my car, drive anywhere, talk to myself and scream. TTFN...
LW
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